“So much of communication is nonverbal,” according to Kelaher. Begin with giving the other person your full, undivided attention. This means turning off the TV, closing your laptop, and putting the phone down. “Get rid of any external stimulus that will distract you from the conversation,” says Morley, adding it’s also important to engage in mindfulness. “Take a breath and stay in the present moment with the other https://oliviabennett7.wordpress.com/2026/02/20/is-amoredate-safe-security-review person.” Even small distractions can disconnect you from what’s being said, and what’s left unsaid.
That’s because our facial expressions reflect our internal states — and this is a vital social skill that we begin developing from an early age. In fact, studies show that infants have a visual preference for faces, especially those with open eyes and a direct gaze. Leveraging this capacity even 20% of the time is an utter game-changer for individuals, and even for the progress of society. Listening well isn’t about knowing the science of communication, or memorizing a long list of rules. Though the knowledge has merit, it pales in comparison to actually clearing the mental clutter that gets in the way of receiving the essence of what a fellow human can teach us. In this way, listening is about suspending the need to know, in order to learn.
Nothing stalls connection faster than having an interaction in your head beforehand. There’s so much more to be said about this, but long story short? Listen in ways that work for you, and that are in line with your wiring and natural strengths, rather than trying to fit into some sort of “good listening” box.
“It’s hard enough to listen if you’re neutral, much less if you’re slightly antagonistic,” notes Gillihan. Once they’ve let it all out, check in to make sure you understood them, and even invite them to say more if they’d like. As fascinating as your own thoughts might be, getting wrapped up in your reaction to what the other person is saying can block you from truly hearing them. You might miss the subtle nuances and even misinterpret their message if you’re too busy planning your next move. Let AI help you discover what you truly want and create a personalized goal plan that actually fits your life.
But if you’re busy formulating your own response, you can’t actually pay attention to what they’re saying. “We spend too much time in our own heads instead of being present in the conversation, which is a core component of active listening,” Kelaher says. Listening well isn’t just polite—it also comes with practical benefits that impact nearly every area of life.
“Some things that can help us become better listeners are being thoughtful of when and where we are having important conversations,” said Lund-Richardson. “For example, if I have kids running around me or I am doing the dishes, I am naturally going to be more distracted. The truth is, although we spend a lot of time listening, some research suggests that people’s retention rates are as low as 25 percent immediately after a conversation. More than anything, tune into what they’re actually saying and invest your empathy in how they feel. At the Center for Creative Leadership, our drive to create a ripple effect of positive change underpins everything we do.
Verbal Cues Make A Difference
No one is checking their phone or jumping in with thoughts and comments from their own life. It is enormously powerful and gives the listener a great deal of pleasure. One way to stay firmly in the moment is to ask questions.
Another benefit of learning active listening as a counselor is that it may increase self-efficacy. This might feel a bit like rehashing English class, but it’s good practice. Many of us hide, for good reason, in clichés and platitudes. We say things like “It’s OK,” “That movie was interesting,” or “My hometown was boring.” Part of the reason we rely on these phrases is fear of what a real point of view might trigger in another person.
That can be a tall order in a world that’s chock full of distractions. Active listening is the most effective way of listening and engaging in conversation. When someone actively listens, they put their undivided attention on the speaker, show interest, and listen for intent or emotion.1 X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source All of this not only benefits the listener, but it also benefits the speaker, helping them feel heard and seen. So, how can you fully engage in a conversation and actively listen?
When it is offered, it is often experienced on the level of a gift. Counterintuitive as it may sound, you don’t need to say much to be interesting. Most people will find you interesting if you are deeply interested in them. Stop thinking about what to talk about; start thinking about what to ask.” (How to Live a Good Life). Active listening skills are also crucial for avoiding misunderstandings. By concentrating on what the person is saying and how they are saying it, you’re less likely to misinterpret the message, leading to clearer, more effective communication.
Additionally, when we listen with curiosity and care, we build trust, foster deeper connections, and reduce the chance of future misunderstandings. “When the other person feels heard and understood, this leads to increased connection and willingness to share more in the future,” she adds. It’s critical to hone leaders’ active listening skills and build new capabilities that strengthen conversations across the entire organization.
Like all social skills, listening is a skill that is learned and developed over time through real-life interactions. Most good listeners have just had more practice interacting with people or have made more of an effort to intentionally develop their skills. Can active listening skills even work through text conversations? A unique and interesting study looked at the application of active listening to written communication online (Bauer & Figl, 2008). This case study was examining soft skills among computer science students and to see if active listening could come across in instant message conversations.
But research shows that people in such situations care more about the warmth of what you say than about its content. As long as you say something relatively germane to the topic and positive in tone, your partner will be interested in continuing the conversation with you. We sometimes think of listening as passive, but that’s not accurate. When somebody’s actively listening, they’re doing a lot. And — just as importantly — they’re not doing other things, because active listening requires your full focus and attention.
Creating A Contract — Yes, A Contract! — Could Help You Get What You Want From Your Relationship
” is the go-to phrase for Mary Houston, LCSW, therapist and cofounder of The Cove Restorative Psychiatry & Wellness in Durham, North Carolina. “They might not know, exactly, but this frame can tease out whether they’re looking for something specific or just someone to listen,” she tells SELF. Despite our best intentions, most of us aren’t always the best listeners—but in our defense, it’s not exactly easy to give someone our undivided attention. We’re constantly distracted by pings and dings from our devices, for one thing. And it’s also a natural human instinct to want to relate to other people and help solve their problems—and constantly interrupt as a result. Whether you’re being lured by the siren song of a text notification or feeling the urge to interject with advice or encouragement, it can be surprisingly difficult to just…shut up and listen.
Another barrier is suggesting solutions (Robertson, 2005). Although it may seem well meaning, the urge to suggest solutions often comes from a discomfort with what the speaker is saying. While it may seem supportive, it creates an imbalance of power in the dynamic. The speaker is left feeling unheard, and they are disempowered to create their own solutions. Only after reflection has been done will it be time to ask questions.
Listening has always been a critical human capacity. It’s a common superpower amongst the best leaders, spouses, partners, and friends. Truly listening (without getting defensive) feels like the psychological skill of the moment. People prefer talking to people who genuinely listen, and this helps build stronger relationships.
This led to calmer behaviors and more success (Kubota et al., 2004). In relationships, being a better listener means giving your partner undivided attention, validating their feelings, and resisting the urge to offer solutions unless asked. This helps build trust and deepens emotional connection. Mastering these techniques equips you with the emotional intelligence to not only understand others deeply, but to also create meaningful conversations.
- When you listen to your partner in this moment, you increase your chance of being heard later on.
- These thoughts and feelings are believed, supported, and respected.
- I got distracted or my attention started to wander before they were done talking.
- They don’t change the subject or close down the conversation.
This checklist is a helpful tool for practicing active listening techniques. The checklist lists the techniques and then asks the listener to check back to see if they successfully used each one. There is space to write what worked well, what was difficult, and how to better incorporate unused techniques. It’s useful to begin with the body language of the listener (Robertson, 2005).
For instance, when a couple argues, they leave little gap between turns, and the turns often overlap. Rapid-fire repartee is an exhilarating experience that can bring conversation partners together in emotional intimacy. In such fast-paced conversations, there’s almost no gap between the end of one turn and the start of the next. Often, the partners overlap each other as the listener finishes what the speaker is saying. Sometimes conversations proceed at a rapid pace, with one partner nearly cutting off the other and finishing their sentences for them. Such conversations can be thrilling, providing the partners with a sense of intimacy, almost as if they were speaking from one mind.
Active listening is a teachable skill, one that we all need to practice on a regular basis to promote happy and healthy relationships. In fact, it can be quite hard to engage with people on a deeper level. Ultimately, most people want to feel heard, valued and connected to loved ones. Empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person – fosters connection and safety in our relationships.
Listening is more than just being physically present when another person is talking. Anyone who has deployed a disengaged “mhmm” while their partner asks about dinner or a kid breaks down the difference between a brontosaurus and a triceratops knows this well. But listening — not just hearing — means a lot more than that. And dedicating yourself to actively listening can be radical and transformative. From improved relationship satisfaction to enhanced empathy, research shows that active listening is a life skill worth mastering. Here’s how to train yourself to be a better listener.
Active listening has been shown to be a vital skill in counseling. “Not having a prepared response shows that you’re a learner, that you’re vulnerable, that you may not know the answer and that you’re also willing to learn,” Duke explains. “I like to set an intention for any conversation,” Duke says.
For 50+ years, the Center for Creative Leadership has pioneered the field of leadership development. Our global research and top-ranked solutions have transformed individuals and organizations — including 2/3 of the Fortune 1000. Different brains process auditory information differently. Find out what works for you and go with it, even if it’s the “wrong way to listen”.
As you listen compassionately, both to yourself and others, you’ll probably find that things begin to feel less heavy. Ask questions about any issue that’s ambiguous or unclear. As the listener, if you have doubt or confusion about what the other person has said, say something like, “Let me see if I’m understanding. I didn’t follow you.” Asking for clarification shows you are paying attention. Once you’ve asked questions that elicit someone’s response, stop talking.
We all know that there’s more to a conversation than just the words at play, silences, pauses, context, and non-verbal communication are all a part of it, too. But a lot of times we choose to kinda gloss over all of that in our listening because it’s complex, and takes more work than just taking people’s words at face value. By actively listening, you demonstrate respect and interest in the speaker, fostering stronger connections and understanding in your personal and professional relationships. To sum up, listening is indeed an essential skill to success in life, and it is also one you can develop if it’s not your strong suit.
Pick one conversation, empty the teacup of your mind, and remind yourself (on repeat as needed), “My goal isn’t to solve or respond. My goal is to understand.” Whatever the outcome, please feel free to drop me a note about how it goes. Sometimes clients benefit from thinking about the art of listening visually.